In Love with a Japanese Guy

Last week over at Julie in Japan, Julie wrote an article entitled You asked for it...foreign girls dating in Japan. It seems she was getting quite a few emails from foreign girls searching for tips on the art of dating a Japanese guy. As always her article was sweet, interesting and thought provoking. It had me thinking about our love match and even prompted me to go digging around in old Flickr archives searching for photos of when Masao and I first met.



Every couple gets the "How did you meet?" question thrown at them I am sure. The bonus question of "Where did you meet?" is always thrown in if it is obvious that you are not from the same country. Generally we skip the "how did you meet?" and answer the "where?" with something along the lines of "at a cafe called Sign in Daikanyama" This technically is the truth as I clearly remember waiting with a friend of mine to meet Masao at Daikanyama station. He had a friend djing at the cafe that night and had invited me along. The "how" part of our meeting, while certainly not dramatic, is a little long winded so we have been known to give out the modified version. It all seems like a very long time ago now but Julie's post had me thinking that perhaps there are a ton of girls out there wondering how to meet Japanese guys. Similar to Julie I have no full proof tips, I think life goes in the direction that it is supposed to, but I can tell you our story.



I came to Tokyo in January of 2004, initially for one year. If people ask me why I came I often say it was a childhood dream. Honestly I am still not sure exactly why, I felt an extremely strong urge to move to Tokyo at that time. It wasn't for the money, as I had a great job and wonderful life in Australia. It wasn't for the language because as yet I have not mastered even the basics. It certainly wasn't for manga, kimonos, Sony, tea ceremonies or any of the other Japanophile loves. I just had to come. My spiritual self would look back now and say that I came to fulfill many dreams, ones that I was not consciously aware of back then. I came to fulfill independence, I came to meet Masao, start TOKYOMADE and become a hoop dancer. I came to learn about the world and my place in it, to meet the outstanding people that I have. The mystery of why I am in Tokyo continues to unfold everyday. It is a fabulous life!


Part of what has kept me here is an intensely love filled, calm, inspiring, balanced, powerful and happy relationship with a Japanese man. Masao and I met in the spring/summer of 2004, if you ask him he will know the exact day and time but I am just not good with that kind of stuff. It is true we met in Daikanyama, a very cool part of Tokyo known for it's cafes, clubs and boutiques. The way that we met was completely conspired by the universe. I was not looking for a boyfriend, although I found Japanese guys to be shockingly gorgeous and divinely preened to perfection. What I was looking for was somebody to help me create some short films. I had no experience with the language and very little insight into the culture but I saw an overwhelming need to capture the essence of Tokyo. I was obsessed with Japanese obsession. I wanted more but I needed someone to help me.

I put an advertisement in a magazine called Metropolis. I think it read something along the lines of "Aussie girl looking for friends to help make short film in Tokyo." I seriously cannot remember. Again you could ask Masao and he would recite it word for word. I got some awesome responses. Met some very cool people a few of which I remained friends with and who really added to my experiences here. And then there was Masao...to be honest in the beginning I would never have thought we would be together for so long. In actual fact I thought he was a little strange ;). Not used to the low key, cool and calm ways of the Japanese boy I thought he was far more into boys than girls and so part of why we hit it off in the beginning I believe is because there was no pressure of thinking about it being a relationship.



Back then Masao lived with his Dad, a very common thing in Tokyo many young people live with their parents, so we would see each other whenever we could. He would take me to all these very cool places that he knew and I would get my fill of Tokyo fun and scenery. We had met a few times with friends and in a group. This is also very common in Japan. Often you will think you are heading out on a "date" only to find that a truck load of friends have been invited. This can make it tricky to "get to know somebody" in the beginning. Perhaps a tip for others thinking about dating Japanese guys is to be patient in the beginning. I think in many relationships in other parts of the world people like to rush, rush, rush, they have expectations built up about what they should know and what should be done. In Japan it is a different game and patience is a virtue, being friends first is a common step, being friends with his friends is sometimes equally important. I remember being very nervous when I knew I was meeting him for the first time "alone", I am not sure why, but I had kind of figured that this was a big step and had real potential. I also figured that dating a foreign girl must have been very knew for Masao when he asked me as we stood under the glow of the Shibuyan crossing "Don't you shave your face?" (Face shaving is the done thing for many a Japanese girl!) It was a steep and fabulous learning curve for both of us from that point on!


Not long after the face shaving question we moved into a VERY tiny apartment in Okubo where we stayed blissfully for 2 years. In that time we traveled around Europe, went to Australia to meet the family, had my mum come and stay, started TOKYOMADE, Masao went from being a salary man to being a stylin' entrepreneur, our lives changed daily for the better, we made so many wonderful new friends all in such confined quarters we had really put our love to the test. If there were going to be any bust ups it was sure to happen then. Luckily it was smooth sailing, aside from the time we decided to order office furniture online I managed to smash Masao in the forehead with a piece of wood causing much bleeding and hysteria. Oh good times!



We now live in a much roomier apartment with our own spaces to do what we do. Masao in his office and me in our tatami room hooping. There has been a great deal of learning to do which may be part of what keeps our relationship so strong. There is no doubting that in any relationship where the partners are from very different backgrounds there is going to be intense amounts of learning and coming to understandings. Another tip I would offer up if you are thinking of dating a Japanese guy or anyone who was not born in your suburb/state/country is to be ready to question what you know to be real and true, be ready to learn about a new way of life, be willing to explore other lifestyles and customs. Of course this should go for your partner as well. We are super lucky in that neither of us are particularly bound by any forms of tradition, past or nationalistic pride. I rarely think of Masao as "Japanese" and me as "Australian". We have really created our own world and left all the past stuff behind. This is an important step I think in any relationship.


Naturally I can only speak of my experience with one person it is very hard to generalize. I have no idea what other Japanese guys are like to date or live with. I could only speak of exterior, superficial stuff (which is all pretty FINE in my opinion! mmm ) I have heard some horror stories of demanding, old fashioned stubbornness but nothing could be further from my experience with Masao and all of the Japanese males that I know as friends.

My tips...
Hang out at places you love. There are endless destinations in this city to hang out and meet people.
Be yourself. Trying to be something you are not is not appealing to anyone. Being your individual, unique self is very attractive.
Don't try too hard. You know when you are searching too hard you often can't find the perfect dress, same goes for Japanese guys. ;)
Make friends with Japanese people.
Visualize positively what you would like your life to be like, if that includes a Japanese boy then so be it! They are very beautiful, that is definitely a positive visualization. ;)
Let go of any us and them thoughts.
Join some clubs, learn something new. Oh a Japanese yogi, a Japanese salsa dancer, an artist, coin polisher, manicurist...whatever you are into.
Learn Japanese! (although I never did properly there is always time)
Have an interest and put out an ad to get people to help you. Be sure to meet new friends with other friends, don't go alone. It is not very common in Tokyo for people to invite you to their apartment especially on the first meet up, some friends in this city NEVER see their close friends apartments. So be clued up and NEVER go to apartments alone - goes without saying.

Good luck, have fun, send us your purikura! ;)